On my honor, I will try: to serve God and my country….Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so….in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice…grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can…I have the right to remain silent, anything I say can be used against me….I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States….I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth ….forgive me Father for I have sinned….bad boy, bad boy, what’cha gonna do when they come for you…

With racing thoughts and that feeling of an impending doom, the second it happened my body went into anxiety mode.

I then caught a quick glimpse of my future…..

Fortunately, the logical part of me stepped back in, and brought me back to reality.

You know the little things you would hear as a child, “if you step on a crack, you’ll break your mama’s back.” You’re pretty sure that’s not going to happen, but err with caution just in case. As an adult you know it’s not possible….but occasionally that inner child kicks back in. You find yourself, secretly making an effort to step over that crack ahead of you…for old times sake. When you first start noticing these hideous little things growing on your skin.
“They are freckles honey.”
“Well I don’t want freckles.”
“You don’t? Did you know that every time you get a new freckle, it means an Angel has kissed you?” So now you feel like the most loved child on earth. You begin to make a conscious effort to see if other kids had freckles….and how many. Now older and wiser, you know the truth but sometimes finding a new freckle can still bring a smile to your face.

I remember playing with a pillow one day while visiting my grandparents, holding it by the “tag” and dangling it around. My grandma said, “Be careful Annie, you might rip that off.” (Annie was my nickname growing up. It means “our favorite grandchild.” Or something.) I didn’t really know what the big deal was, but as usual, I complied. (that is how I earned all those Angel kisses!) Still playing around, obediently, I happened to look at the tag. That’s when I saw it, and it all made sense; Under Penalty of Law, This Tag Not To Be Removed. My grandma knew, she new what would happen to me if I ripped the “tag” off, I would go to jail! I had already pulled the “tag” off my very own pillow at home and now I’m a little worried. What if my mom found out…what if anyone found out? I held this little secret close to my heart for awhile, not even out of grade school and I was already a law-breaker. I eventually confided to my best friend. She laughed hysterically at me until I showed her the “tag” on her pillow. We read it together, Under Penalty of Law, This Tag Not To Be Removed, in smaller letters underneath it said, Except By The Consumer
“What’s a consumer?”
“I don’t know, I don’t think I’m old enough to be one though.”
It took some investigating, but I did find out….I was a consumer. Still didn’t really know what that meant, but I knew I was one of ‘em! So much for grandma wanting to spare my future as a convict, she was just worried about her damn pillow!

But the little “what if’s” remain. What if…I stepped on a crack, what if…the neighbor had more freckles than me, what if….I pulled the tag off my pillow? See the pattern? See it? Something is telling me O.C.D. has played a bigger part in my life than I care to admit! So yes, today, when I ACCIDENTALLY yanked the tag clean from my pillow. The second it happened my body went into anxiety mode, with racing thoughts and that feeling of an impending doom. But, I’m O.K, Annie’s O.K. As fast as the anxiety came, reality set back in.

Now older and (so much) wiser, I know the truth. But occasionally I like finding a new freckle or secretly making an effort to step over that crack ahead of me. Apparently I’m still working on that consumer/tag thing though.

As I finish writing this, I’m kinda feeling a little anxious again. Just wondering…did I unconsciously pass this down to another generation? I don’t remember, did I or didn’t I ever tell my kids that their stuffed animals don’t really turn into Angels that watch over them once they’re asleep? Do they know that the dancing light in the car isn’t really Tinkerbell, it’s the reflection from my watch? Do they know that it’s not really a law that you have to brush your teeth first thing in the morning? You know…they may even still wonder if the sun really hisses when it touches the ocean at sunset.

XOXO,

“My goal is to, at least once a week, practice a Random Act of Kindness. (R.A.K.) One that will put a smile on someone’s face or make their day a little brighter.”

So last week didn’t quite go as smooth as I thought it would….but I give myself an A for effort. This week’s goal was to call the manager of an establishment and commend them for their excellent customer service. I was beginning to think I needed to get a back up plan, as I really hadn’t been anywhere that woed me with the above and beyond factor. Then I went grocery shopping last night, and I was woed. This place has always provided good customer service, and it seems like  every time I go there they have stepped it up even more. Last night being no exception. After last weeks experience I decided not to call until today, after I had ran my errands and was home for day.
Once I was settled in and had all my “chores” done I sat down, started playing around on the computer and made my call. I don’t know who was happier when we hung up the phone, the manager or myself. She was caught completely off guard and I could tell by her reaction, it made her day a little brighter. («R.A.K.) Mission accomplished! 1+ Now I get on the computer and go in to a “discussion forum” I have been visiting these past few days. I have such strong thoughts and feelings about this and it’s interesting to see other peoples point of view. Because of the nature of the topic, and there are few known “facts” all you can really do is voice your opinions, thoughts, etc… It gets intense at times, but you just learn to agree to disagree….usually. Today somebody made a statement that completely crossed the line and offended many people. This “discussion” has now turned into a war of the words. I, giving this person the benefit of the doubt, explained that while she probably meant ……., the way it was worded came across as……. and that’s why people were so offended. («R.A.K.) 1=2 That didn’t quite turn out as I had hoped. Her response, “Shut the hell up you moron.” I guess the right thing to do  would have been to be the bigger person and let it go. Of course I had to remind her who the moron was. («cancels out R.A.K.) -1 (again, sorry mom!) Final count =1
Two steps forward-one step back, but I’m trying

Touching Inspiring Heartfelt

Logan is a 13 year-old boy who lives on a ranch in a very small town in Nebraska. This is a recording of a phone call he made to a Houston Christian Radio station. His words have wisdom far beyond his years….

As I stated in my previous post, “My new goal is to, at least once a week, practice a Random Act of Kindness. (R.A.K.) One that will put a smile on someone’s face or make their day a little brighter” I continued by saying, “I’m going to start today by paying a complete stranger a compliment.”
My intentions were good, really.
I was eager to start my afternoon, looking forward to accomplishing my goal and adding a ray of sunshine to someones day. My first stop was the gas station (getting gas, by the way is one of my biggest pet peeves) With a bargain price of $2.97 a gallon, I decided to stop at the first gas station I came to. It was hot outside, there were cars at every pump and I, of course ended up sandwiched in the slowest line. My patience were being tested but I just looked at everyone with the biggest damn smile you’ve ever seen. It was finally my turn, I took my wad of cash and went inside to pay. As I walked in, I see a familiar, middle aged man working behind the counter,

FMAM: Hi, how are you today? (smiling)
Me: Good, it’s always nice to see your smiling face! («compliment!)
FMAM: You’re looking nice and cool, very refreshed.
Me: It is hot outside, but I like it….I’m enjoying the last of warm days.
FMAM: You should have worn shorts.
Me: (hmmm…) Yeah, well….it’s not that bad.

We finish our transaction,

Me: Thank you so much, have a great day!
FMAM: Thank you, see you soon?
Me: Sure
FMAM: Oh and hey….
Me: Yeah?
FMAM: Next time I’d really like to see you in shorts. («dog)
Me: Ba-bye

So, that didn’t go quite as planned.
Perhaps I need to practice.
Later in the day I noticed an ice cream man (or as I used to tell my kids, the music man) pass a group of kids who were trying to wave him down. (I guess their parents don’t know the music man trick yet) I had just gotten in my car, so I safely caught up to him, got his attention and pointed back to the kids. He gave me the thank you nod and headed back in their direction. I was thinking on the way home that this could qualify as a random act of kindness! Just as I go to give myself a pat on the back, the car next to me decides to change lanes, into my lane. After giving a quick honk, I looked over and mouthed a four letter word at him…maybe two!

So, by the time I reach home I have at least decided that my first attempt, at the gas station had taken a strange twist and didn’t really count. But chasing down the ice cream man was a random act of kindness.
Now I’m confused, did my mouthing a four letter word (or 2) to my fellow driver now cancel that out? I’m pretty much back where I started yesterday…Huh? I guess there’s always tomorrow, I’m trying!!!

It’s that time of year again…National Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!
Whether they are big or little, high or low….Check those boobies ladies!!

….a friendly reminder, brought to you by Heidi

A random picture I just came across. Appropriate for this time of year, reminds me of Halloween. It was taken a few years back on a hot and sunny, summer day. A random day. For no particular reason, my best friend Deanna and I donned these masks while driving around running errands….in a convertible. It wasn’t out of character for either of us, perhaps this was a warning, an indication we I had issues.
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This month has been pretty uneventful. I had a Doctors appointment for my ear infection, I have started to prepare my turtle, Kiwi for hibernation. Got new front tires for my car, I lost my mom for a day (she was fine!) I did have the pleasure of having my son and his puppies come for a week-end visit…twice!!! I survived another birthday, officially reaching my
mid-forties! And….I did something that, a few years ago I could never have fathomed. It was unrealistic, a goal that was unreachable within my wildest dreams.
But I did it…..and if I had a horn, I would toot it!
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Seven years ago, after experiencing a traumatic event I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (O.C.D.) I had a type, similar to what they refer to as Trichotillomania, a form of hair pulling. Long story short, I would spend an average of 5 to 12 hours a day pulling my hair out, eventually leaving me completely bald. As fast as those babies grew back in, I would yank them right back out. There was nothing anyone could do or say that would justify my stopping. The urge or ‘impulse’ has often been described as a hiccup in your brain, or a brain lock, preventing your brain from shifting gears. Wigs (later dubbed “the helmets”) and scarves did a great job of covering the physical effects, but the emotional and psychological damage it caused was often more than I could bear. This not only impacted my life, affecting my ability to function in the outside world….it unfortunately took a toll on everyone around me.
Unable to fully comprehend what I was going through, and not knowing how to deal with it, some people pulled away from me….abandoning our relationship. Those who stood by me were there through the thick and thin, good days and the bad reiterating their unconditional love. After six years, with the support of my loved ones by my side, many hours of therapy, medications, a lot of sweat, tears, prayers and determination. I (toot-toot) have reached a personal (tooooot) milestone. As of October 5th, 2008 it has been (toot-toot-toot) one year since I have tugged, pulled or mutilated my hair (tooot) in any way!!! After going through a year of awkward lengths and styles…..I finally got my first real “girly” haircut. I maintain therapy to help prevent any sort of relapse, but I’m there.
A few years ago I could never have fathomed this. It was unrealistic, a goal that was unreachable within my wildest dreams.
But I did it…..and if I had a horn, I would toot it!

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It doesn’t matter how you look at it, it’s still old.
So yesterday I celebrated my 45th birthday, the phone rang off the hook, I received virtual greetings and got pampered. It’s nice to feel special, to have your loved ones acknowledge your special day. But it’s just not like it used to be, I remember, in my younger days going to bed the night before with butterflies in my tummy. I remember waking up with such anticipation, being a princess for a day. Having no worries, not a care in the world. Watching the clock, waiting for your friends and family to show up with cards, presents….having a cake with candles that fit on it.
The clock ticks, the years go by, we get old. The butterflies in your tummy have turned to gas, the anticipation now anxiety and you now can’t even stay awake to greet your friends and family. Your idea of presents are no longer a Barbie Dream House or a new bike….you are now just happy to have your health, to have family and friends that care. Your expectations of being a princess for a day have diminished….reality has set in. You’re 45 now, (oh and yes, it will happen to you too!) this is now your idea of a perfect Birthday:

• Dyed my eyebrows
• Cleaned the litter box (my cats)
• Researched hearing-aids
• Had a hot flash
• Made an appointment for a face lift
• Clipped coupons for Depends
• Took out the trash
• Swapped out stylish jeans for Polyester Apparel
• Watched “Bowling For Dollars”
• Did 5 sit-ups, 5 leg lifts….forget what else
• Had another hot flash
• Looked through K-Mart ads for Flannel Pajamas, on sale
• Laughed so hard I fell off the bed
• Rejoiced I was able to get up
• Installed “Clap On” light
• Walked the dog, then realized I don’t have one
• Hummed while I did the dishes
• Called my kids by the wrong names
• Googled local Senior Centers
• Had another hot flash
• Practiced saying, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”
• Cancelled appointment for a face lift
• Started knitting slippers
• Played a game of Solitaire…with cards
• Sipped warm milk
• Went to bed at 8:30 p.m.
• Read a chapter of “Dentures; Grin and Bare It”
• Had a hot flash
• Fell asleep