Have you ever felt pain you couldn’t get past
Have you ever wondered how long it will last

Have you ever taken more then you give
Have you ever questioned wanting to live

Have you ever known a love to be true
Have you ever hurt someone close to you

Have you ever failed knowing you tried
Have you ever counted the tears that you’ve cried

Have you ever felt alone and betrayed
Have you ever regretted choices you’ve made

Have you ever just wished that time would stand still
Have you ever found words to express how you feel

Have you ever cried in the cold, dark night
Have you ever looked fear right in the eye

Have you ever walked alone in the sand
Have you ever felt pain you didn’t understand

Have you ever felt you have reached the end
Have you ever mistaken someone for a friend

Have you ever felt you just didn’t belong
Have you ever found comfort in words from a song

Have you ever wondered how your life would be…
if you had all the answers
to set you free

Have you…

I wrote this about 4 years ago and I just came across it. I’m not
even quite sure what inspired it, it was just kind of scribbled on
bits of paper. I did my best and pieced it together…I think.

I dreamed of him long ago…
as a little girl, as a young adult, as a woman
He was in my every thought, my every breath, my every being
A man, just one man who would love me unconditionally
He would adore the overbite I had grown so conscious of
He would laugh at the jokes no one else seemed to hear
He would take pride in walking by my side
knowing I could talk faster than I could walk

I dreamed of him long ago…
A man, just one man who would love me unconditionally
He would share the happiness life brought my way
He would share the joy of raising my kids
He would encourage me to seek my dreams, no longer just dream them

I dreamed of him long ago…
A man who could take the worst of times and
give me the courage I so desperately needed to carry on
A man who could dry my tears in the darkest of the night
hold my hand when I feel so alone
stand up for me when I’m down on my knees

I dreamed of him long ago…
as a little girl, as a young adult, as a woman
He was in my every thought, my every breath, my every being
A man, just one man who would love me unconditionally
I dreamed, I prayed to no avail…
There was no such man who walked this earth
I found love, conditional love
I longed for something, someone, that did not exist
My dreams remained that, dreams

I had lost the courage and strength to carry on
The hand I held in the darkest of the night
did not wipe the tears from my face
it was the weapon that caused them
When I was down on my knees
the only person left standing was the one who put me there
I was accepting, in my confusion I believed I had it all
Living the American dream of materialism
Never though, in those times of anguish
did I forget my dream
The dream I carried in my heart and soul all those years
A dream or fate…I will never know
Through good times and bad, I held on
to what little hope I had

His blood may not be as thick as yours
He may dance to a different beat
His eyes may not see as yours
For this is not your dream, it is mine (continue) .

I just realized I had never posted this…it is one of my first and one of my favorites.

Did you ever go to bed at night
Not wanting to see the morning light
Wondering how to ease the pain
Knowing you can’t see the sun
Through the clouds and the rain

Living in a private storm
Left betrayed and standing all alone
Words so fierce, they cut like a knife
Piercing my heart, changing my life
Waiting for the clouds to pass me by
Absorbing the pain, I held my head high

Unable to see I’d forsaken my pride
My body reacting from all held inside
Dreams…of surviving to see the rainbow
Are now visions forgotten, it was time to let go
The storm since passed revealing Blue Skies
The beauty though masked by the rain in my eyes

Sounds of thunder echo in my ears
Drowning in pain I try to cope with my fears
Surrounded by pain of heartache and gloom
In search of that rainbow so my life can resume
Existing…with hopes the rain will soon clear my eyes
So I too, can see the beauty of the sun and Blue Skies

No longer did I take for granted the sunlight on my face, the touch of a caring hand, the sound of laughter or the taste of a tear. This battle, this journey, this pain were a constant reminder of how precious the gift of life was. It was that revelation that gave me the strength to fight, to hold my head up high and embrace what dignity I had left. The dark circles that shadowed my tear stained eyes, the outline of bones protruding through my red, welty skin. The sores hidden beneath my now thin hair….the absence of my passion for life were a result of the pain hidden deep within. It was there, with each beat of my heart, with every breath I took. There were few who stood beside me sharing yesterdays pain, todays fears and tomorrows uncertainty. Those who did not understand the nature of the beast chose to turn their heads, it was perhaps easier for them. It was then I learned what loneliness felt like, after awhile I had become numb realizing it just didn’t matter anymore…….

Dedicated to my son Rocky, for his courage, strength and will
…for all he endured while battling Cancer. You are a true survivor,
you are my hero!

Never let go of your dreams
don’t let them slip away
When days of laughter turn to tears
close your eyes and pray

God will never give to you
more than you can bear
Hold these words close at heart
when life seems so unfair

Know you’ll never be alone
I’ll be right by your side
And when your eyes can’t see the light
let me be your guide

Embrace the strength you possess
and carry it with you
In those times you ask “why me”
remember to count your blessings too

When this journey’s over
Cherished all you’ve gained
For it’s your courage and inspiration
that will ease anothers pain

I Love You!!
Mom

click here for update

You are as close to me as anyone or anything has ever been. You have been with me through times of depression, you have calmed me when I’ve become anxious…..at times being the only hope of getting me through those long, lonely days. It was you that stuck by me when life seemed so hopeless.
Our relationship is unique, one that can be understood by none other than us. As much as it has hurt those around me, it has been you I’ve turned to in those times of need. We, in our own little world have become inseparable. I never intended for it to turn out this way…..it was in the beginning so harmless. As much as you wanted to be there I wanted you, as much as you needed to be there I needed you. You were my sole source of comfort and strength, relieving my pain….allowing me to escape reality. You were my Best Friend. How was I to know you would in the end betray me? For all the comfort you once brought me, you have now become the source of my pain. I was naive and trusting, I let you into my life and being who you are……you became my life.
Our relationship has caused great pain to all those involved, you are now not only a part of me but my loved ones as well. Your presence constant though no longer welcome, you fill each day with not only pain but with frustration, tears, feelings of hopelessness, sleepless nights at times….the desire to end it all. I have because of you, lost many true friends, my dignity and my self-esteem. You have taken away the ability to be the person, the mom I yearn to be.
Because of the countless hours I devote to you I no longer live a productive life. I am unable to work or engage in social activities, I have become a prisoner in my own home. The damage you have caused exceeds emotions as you have caused great physical damage as well. The blonde hair that once covered my scalp has been replaced with sores caused by the weapons of your madness. The blisters on my fingers, the pain in my arms and my back are a constant reminder of your betrayal. I now question the reflection I see in the mirror, as it is no longer me. Through the pain in the eyes that once sparkled I see my worst enemy….. I see you.
Now it is time we part, I must stand strong and fight for the strength you have deprived me of. You have made it clear by your relentless acts…..this won’t be an easy good-bye. It is not your strength I fear but my weakness. I will no longer question your motives but seek the truth, with knowledge comes strength, with strength comes victory. For me this is the gift of life….my life. Know that for every tear I cried I will now smile twice that. For all the pain you brought me will be replaced by abundant peace. For each night of sleep I lost to you I will dream of a life without you. Know that for each person you try to befriend I pray for them the strength to walk away. For each and every relationship you destroyed I will now rekindle. Every hour you stole from my life I will make up by living the next to the fullest.
I write to you this letter on this day, this hour, this minute to say good-bye. With my loved ones by my side I will continue to stand strong, I will continue to fight. When tomorrow comes there will be no regrets because I know I will be one day closer ….closer to the day I will look in the mirror and through the sparkle in the eyes once so full of pain, I see me . Victory, the gift of life….my life.

You tell me that you understand
Reach out and take my trembling hand
Let our minds and souls unite
Absorb the pain that fills my life

Beads of sweat pouring down
It’s time to mutilate your crown
Don’t let the pain interfere
Your brain has locked into gear

Madness grows deep within
Blood stains glisten on your skin
Life is waiting, it’s getting late
You’re stuck in hell with no escape

Steadily trembling from fatigue
Don’t give in now.. breathe damn it, breathe
Your body stagnate in your bed
Visions of hell replay in your head

I tell you that I understand
I reach out and take your trembling hand
Let our minds and souls unite
You felt the pain that fills my life

What lies ahead a mystery
my only crime…being me
A prisioner of this lonely fight
losing hope, losing sight

Walls are slowly moving in
revealing tales of where I’ve been
In search of what I call my own
in this makeshift world I call home

No place to lie my battered head
no promises of a warm soft bed
No kids to stand by my side
guilt prevails invading my mind

Embracing only memories
of self respect, of dignity
The only thing left to hold
are dreams that linger in my soul

What lies ahead a mystery
my only hope…being free