No longer did I take for granted the sunlight on my face, the touch of a caring hand, the sound of laughter or the taste of a tear. This battle, this journey, this pain were a constant reminder of how precious the gift of life was. It was that revelation that gave me the strength to fight, to hold my head up high and embrace what dignity I had left. The dark circles that shadowed my tear stained eyes, the outline of bones protruding through my red, welty skin. The sores hidden beneath my now thin hair….the absence of my passion for life were a result of the pain hidden deep within. It was there, with each beat of my heart, with every breath I took. There were few who stood beside me sharing yesterdays pain, todays fears and tomorrows uncertainty. Those who did not understand the nature of the beast chose to turn their heads, it was perhaps easier for them. It was then I learned what loneliness felt like, after awhile I had become numb realizing it just didn’t matter anymore…….

Dedicated to my son Rocky, for his courage, strength and will
…for all he endured while battling Cancer. You are a true survivor,
you are my hero!

Never let go of your dreams
don’t let them slip away
When days of laughter turn to tears
close your eyes and pray

God will never give to you
more than you can bear
Hold these words close at heart
when life seems so unfair

Know you’ll never be alone
I’ll be right by your side
And when your eyes can’t see the light
let me be your guide

Embrace the strength you possess
and carry it with you
In those times you ask “why me”
remember to count your blessings too

When this journey’s over
Cherished all you’ve gained
For it’s your courage and inspiration
that will ease anothers pain

I Love You!!
Mom

click here for update

Did you know…even the smallest acts of kindness can have a huge impact on people? A simple smile can bring hope and happiness to someone who is having a bad day. Your old tattered blankets and coats can bring warmth to a homeless family. A phone call to a friend “just because” will remind them that no matter how busy life may get, you think of them often. Imagine the feeling of knowing you made a difference….

•Make an extra sandwich for lunch and give it to a homeless person on your way to work or school.

•Say hello, please and thank you, make eye contact to as many people as you can.

•Visit a home for the elderly or a local hospital and spend time with a patient, filling them in on recent events and just chatting.

•Volunteer to read a story at a local library.

•Pick up some litter on your street or around your bus stop on your way home one day.

•Donate one days lunch money to a charity you admire.

•Clean out closets, give away old clothes, blankets etc… you don’t need anymore to someone who could really use them.

•Call a friend and ask how he or she is doing. Listen carefully to what the person has to say without trying to ‘fix everything,’ offer three positive suggestions.


 

Needs and wants… I saw this on a blog and thought I’d give it a try. You need to go to google and search for your name and needs (for example, Heidi needs) and then see things that you need!

•Heidi needs a day off
•Heidi needs a lifeboat
•Heidi needs a friend in Tucson, AZ
•Heidi needs a reality check
•Heidi needs her own site
•Heidi needs breast augmentation
•Heidi needs a serious brain transplant
•Heidi needs to go to school in the winter
•Heidi needs to not put out an album
•Heidi needs our help

You are as close to me as anyone or anything has ever been. You have been with me through times of depression, you have calmed me when I’ve become anxious…..at times being the only hope of getting me through those long, lonely days. It was you that stuck by me when life seemed so hopeless.
Our relationship is unique, one that can be understood by none other than us. As much as it has hurt those around me, it has been you I’ve turned to in those times of need. We, in our own little world have become inseparable. I never intended for it to turn out this way…..it was in the beginning so harmless. As much as you wanted to be there I wanted you, as much as you needed to be there I needed you. You were my sole source of comfort and strength, relieving my pain….allowing me to escape reality. You were my Best Friend. How was I to know you would in the end betray me? For all the comfort you once brought me, you have now become the source of my pain. I was naive and trusting, I let you into my life and being who you are……you became my life.
Our relationship has caused great pain to all those involved, you are now not only a part of me but my loved ones as well. Your presence constant though no longer welcome, you fill each day with not only pain but with frustration, tears, feelings of hopelessness, sleepless nights at times….the desire to end it all. I have because of you, lost many true friends, my dignity and my self-esteem. You have taken away the ability to be the person, the mom I yearn to be.
Because of the countless hours I devote to you I no longer live a productive life. I am unable to work or engage in social activities, I have become a prisoner in my own home. The damage you have caused exceeds emotions as you have caused great physical damage as well. The blonde hair that once covered my scalp has been replaced with sores caused by the weapons of your madness. The blisters on my fingers, the pain in my arms and my back are a constant reminder of your betrayal. I now question the reflection I see in the mirror, as it is no longer me. Through the pain in the eyes that once sparkled I see my worst enemy….. I see you.
Now it is time we part, I must stand strong and fight for the strength you have deprived me of. You have made it clear by your relentless acts…..this won’t be an easy good-bye. It is not your strength I fear but my weakness. I will no longer question your motives but seek the truth, with knowledge comes strength, with strength comes victory. For me this is the gift of life….my life. Know that for every tear I cried I will now smile twice that. For all the pain you brought me will be replaced by abundant peace. For each night of sleep I lost to you I will dream of a life without you. Know that for each person you try to befriend I pray for them the strength to walk away. For each and every relationship you destroyed I will now rekindle. Every hour you stole from my life I will make up by living the next to the fullest.
I write to you this letter on this day, this hour, this minute to say good-bye. With my loved ones by my side I will continue to stand strong, I will continue to fight. When tomorrow comes there will be no regrets because I know I will be one day closer ….closer to the day I will look in the mirror and through the sparkle in the eyes once so full of pain, I see me . Victory, the gift of life….my life.

You tell me that you understand
Reach out and take my trembling hand
Let our minds and souls unite
Absorb the pain that fills my life

Beads of sweat pouring down
It’s time to mutilate your crown
Don’t let the pain interfere
Your brain has locked into gear

Madness grows deep within
Blood stains glisten on your skin
Life is waiting, it’s getting late
You’re stuck in hell with no escape

Steadily trembling from fatigue
Don’t give in now.. breathe damn it, breathe
Your body stagnate in your bed
Visions of hell replay in your head

I tell you that I understand
I reach out and take your trembling hand
Let our minds and souls unite
You felt the pain that fills my life

What lies ahead a mystery
my only crime…being me
A prisioner of this lonely fight
losing hope, losing sight

Walls are slowly moving in
revealing tales of where I’ve been
In search of what I call my own
in this makeshift world I call home

No place to lie my battered head
no promises of a warm soft bed
No kids to stand by my side
guilt prevails invading my mind

Embracing only memories
of self respect, of dignity
The only thing left to hold
are dreams that linger in my soul

What lies ahead a mystery
my only hope…being free

I’d given up on all my dreams
Exhausted all my obvious means
The light in the tunnel seemed so far away
Slipped further and further from me day by day
I’d reached the bottom, no matter how hard I tried
I failed again…I thought as I cried

I then saw a light shining through
Beyond these tears I saw it was you
Had a prayer been answered from up above
Surrounding me now was the gift of love

You took my hand, you held it tight
You promised to stand by me
Through this lonely fight
Integrity wounded, emotions unclear
Do I take your hand…where do I go from here
Overcome with love I began to feel
Never felt a love so genuine…so real

You shared with me of days gone by
How you once like me sat alone and cried
Pride weighing me down as I try to stand
I put it aside to take your hand
I reached out to you, you held me tight
You lifted my soul, you showed me the light

Though the tunnel, still full of stumbling stones
You let me know I wasn’t alone
You renewed my faith, you saw that need
Now I continue my journey
Knowing I will succeed

The light I know may sometimes dim
I may fall down time and time again
But I’ll stand up strong until I reach the end

When I look back at what I’ve been through
I’ll remember your strength, I’ll remember your love
I’ll remember I made it because of you