This past February I posted the following, I lived at the beach for the summer with one of my best friends in the world. There aren’t enough words to express how the time, the feelings, the experiences and the memories have changed my life. Yesterday I made a video journal with a few of the highlights documenting that time…
The feedback was overwhelming…I received several emails and messages about the video. Some asking the story behind it, others simply letting me know it had touched a part of their heart. I responded via email, doing my best to explain what it means to me. One of the responses I recently received suggested I share this story with the video. The story, however continues, as I have made some great new friends because of it!
Putting it in perspective…
One of the reasons I chose to do a video journal vs writing about my summer in Ventura, is I often found myself using the word indescribable when referring to it. It will be challenging for me to put into words…but I will do my best.
There is nothing in this world to me more hypnotic than the ocean…the sight, the sound, the smell, the life that exists within it. The ocean is plenty and I could go many places, but the peacefulness I experience in Ventura is like something I’ve never experienced before. Indescribable. It is a place I have always found a sense of peace. It was there I took my wig and scarves off, and for the first time was able to go out in public and hold my head high. That peace, however would somehow slowly diminish once I returned to reality, home. I was complacent in a world, where hindsight, I merely existed.
Last April I lost an aunt that I was extremely close to. Knowing it had been a significant source of comfort for me in the past, my mom encouraged me to plan a trip to Ventura after the funeral. My aunts ashes were to be scattered the day after I had arrived there. With that in mind I woke the following morning with a sense of guilt and of course, strong emotions. I walked aimlessly along the beach seeking the strength I needed to carry me through the day, I drove around, I walked along the pier, it was one of the hardest days of my life. As I walked from the pier back to my car, I stopped and sat on a bench to take a few pictures, it wasn’t until I was walking away did I notice a plaque that read “Strength” mounted on the bench I had been sitting on. I had, in a sense, found that strength.
I spoke to my mom on the way back to the beach, my aunt’s ashes had been spread, and final goodbyes had been spoken. As I situated myself and my camera on the beach, I realized there wasn’t another person in sight which was both eerie and refreshing. It was a safe place for me to say my final goodbyes, alone. I had sat with her alone for a few hours just before she passed away and I was now recounting what I did and did not say to her. What she may of heard and what she didn’t. I wondered if she knew what an inspiration she was to me…how thankful I was to have her in my life. Did I thank her enough for being one of the only people in the world who stood by my side and loved me unconditionally during these years I’ve struggled? In so many ways she gave me the hope and the courage I needed when I couldn’t find it within myself.
“If there’s one thing in my life that’s missing, it’s the time I spend alone, sailing on the cool and bright clear waters. It’s kind of a special feeling when you’re out on the sea alone…”
As I sat there, I noticed 4 dolphins down the beach a ways heading north. It was about that time of day, which usually meant there would be more following not far behind. I grabbed my camera, sat and waited for them to get closer. As they approached the 1st of the 2 jetties I was sitting between, they changed their direction heading towards the shore. For the next 30 minutes I sat, watched and photographed one of the most amazing sights I had ever seen. They jumped, twirled, swam on their back, splashing their tail fins about as they dove under water. Still alone on the beach, I had never felt so “at one” with nature, I had a calmness I forgot existed. Instinctively I called my aunt to share what had just witnessed, her voice mail picked up. The first thing that came to mind was, ‘she already knows.’ I call those pictures, Angels in Flight.
“Now that my life is so pre-arranged, I know that it’s time for a cool change.”
As reality set back in, I had what I would best describe as an “Ah-ha” moment. It reiterated to me, there is life beyond pain. Beauty beyond darkness. Hope beyond despair. I had sought out strength and peace to get me through the day. In a sense I had found them both…and so much more. I was alone on the beach…I was alone. I was in complete control…I was in control. It was a thought, feeling, a concept, emotion, a vision that was so freeing and so refreshing. Falling down is part of life, getting back up is living. It was time for me to get back up, to start living, and nobody was going to stop me.
It’s ironic you say “knowing what I know life’s experience for you has many colors.” I had not thought of it that way until recently. I think that holds true for all, however the shades and quantity of those color vary. For years, my life seemed monotonous, the colors, monotone. With each passing day and experience in Ventura, the colors became more vibrant, more abundant. My eyes had opened to a whole new world, beyond four walls and beyond my illness. As much as I embrace it, I don’t believe my appreciation would be as great had I not started with a monotone palette. A lot of the pictures in the video simply represent the beauty I was not only seeing, but feeling.
Without black, no color has any depth. But if you mix black with everything, suddenly there’s shadow – no, not just shadow, but fullness. You’ve got to be willing to mix black into your palette if you want to create something that’s real. ~Amy Grant
“I know it may sound selfish, but let me breathe the air”
There is a picture of me in the video at about 3:05. I was walking along the beach taking pictures and an elderly man walked up to me. He reached out for my camera and said, “Do you mind? You look so happy and so at peace, I would love to capture it, for you.” He took the picture and walked away. I posted it on Facebook that day. Comments ranged from my mom, ‘Is this my daughter? You look so happy’ to ‘It’s so good to see you smile…really smile again.’ Another one, ‘Don’t ever come back, I love seeing you so happy.’Â It made me cry. It made me smile. It made me more determined…to focus on me. I spent the following 3 months doing just that.
Each new day welcomed me with something new. An adventure, a sight, a person, a feeling, a once in a lifetime experience. My childhood dream was to be a Marine Biologist. Having the opportunity to interact with Sea Lions this trip gave me a piece of that dream. Sitting alone in the water for 4 hours in the middle the night while holding and comforting a dying Sea Lion gave me a sense of purpose, of worthiness. Something I had not felt in a long time. Taking on the commitment of watching over beached Sea Lions as they rested and healed…for up to 5 days, and keeping that commitment gave me a sense of responsibility. Being asked to photograph a man and his dying dog as a keepsake for him gave me a sense of pride. Sitting around a bonfire and talking with 2 drifters about “life” gave me a sense of appreciation. Laughing endlessly and having heart to heart talks with a friend I’ve cherished for over 20 years gave me a sense of joy, a sense of belonging. Taking a stand and doing what I needed to do for ME, gave me a sense of confidence. Going off all my medications, on my own, gave me a sense of control….
What started out as a much needed weeks get away, turned into a 3+ months journey. The simplicity, the beauty, the freedom, the calmness, the experiences…they touched my life, they changed my life. I had wanted to do a video journal for months but there wasn’t a single song I could think of that could even begin to convey the feeling behind the pictures until I remembered “Cool Change.” It somehow, in my mind put in all in perspective.
“Well I was born in the sign of water and it’s there that I feel my best. The albatross and the whales they are my brothers. It’s kind of a special feeling, when you’re out on the sea alone…starin’ at the full moon like a lover”
Like I said, one of the reasons I chose to do a video journal vs writing about my summer in Ventura, is I often found myself using the word indescribable when referring to it…it is challenging for me to put into words…
I know…we’re already half way into the year but I’m thinking you may be able to find this for 50% off somewhere! Maybe it’s just me, but I thought it was kinda funny!
Nice shoes!
Just so you don’t lose another night’s sleep, yes I am alive and well. I have however, severely neglected my poor website and was reminded of this again just a few days ago. Excuse? Not so much. Where has the time gone and what have I been doing? Unfortunately not promoting world peace, saving the world…or even a sea lion.
Monkey Face
I fainted a few months ago walking down cement steps, I broke the fall with my face. I ended up rearranging my teeth, I had 2 black eyes, a fat lip, (o.k, 2 of those too) and a swollen nose. It would be safe to say I closely reassembled someone (or something) from Planet of the Apes. For as bad as it was, I was back to looking semi-normal (really? you laugh?) within a couple weeks, (will spare you the before pics) my soft food diet lasted way too long though. I still have this insatiable craving for bananas. Weird, huh?
Makin’ Memories I have been spending a lot of time these last few months with my sister, nieces and nephews. The laughter, tears, talks, adventures…the memories are so precious to me and has opened my eyes again to what life is really about. I cherish these times, a lot! I’m thankful for each and every one of them!
The Four Year Old My sisters youngest, Joey is 4. Because she is not yet in school, I get to spend a lot of time with her. This is both beneficial and dangerous to my health. Not even kidding. She’s funny, witty, loving, charming and tough. She puts the biggest smile on my face and has me wrapped around her little finger. Truth be told, I’m old…(just ask her.) I try to keep up, I really do, but often find myself aching and covered in bruises. Aunt Heidi can not only slide down the slide, but has remastered climbing back up the slide. Aunt Heidi has been working the monkey bars (not to be mistaken, or even related to the monkey face) and can swing so high she can touch the trees with her feet. Aunt Heidi is a singer, personal make-up artist/hairdresser. She pushes a singing monkey around in a stroller….whilst sporting a tiara. Aunt Heidi is freakin’ exhausted…but wouldn’t trade these moments for all the Ben-Gay in the world. I love how she makes me laugh, I love making her laugh. I’m pretty sure my sister thinks we’re crazy. Whatever, she’s crazy.
The Tear You remember how much I love Ventura? How much I love dolphins? Rescuing sea lions? My summer there last year was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Shortly after I left, my friend Deanna moved to Florida. She was back in Ventura a few weeks ago and we were able to spend 5 days together! We laughed, cried, walked along the beach, zip-lined, did cartwheels, (mind you…she’s a whole lot older than 4!) danced, sang, oh…and ate! To say it was a blast would be an understatement, going to say it anyways. It was a blast. I only saw 1 sea lion this trip, but it was ALIVE! A much different scenario than last year! The fact that I remained dolphinless for the first 3 days was a little disappointing. The 4th day I saw a few…the 5th day? There was a gazillion an invasion. Dorsal fins everywhere AND I happen to get close to about 300 pictures. Not even kidding. (I know, but…they’re dolphins!!) I headed home just before sunset with a little tear in my eye. (no pics, sorry) It was a bittersweet little tear, so happy to have had such an incredible time…so sad to have to leave. It made me realize once again, it’s time for a Cool Change.
Hit The Road Jack
And so…my next journey begins. I will share, once I know myself what that is. I just know, it’s time. For now, I take 1 day at a time…I laugh, I cry, (I fall) but I am determined to continue moving forward. You know? It’s a given though, it will include my family, my friends, (most of ‘em) a certain 4 year old…and a hella of a lot of bananas!
Weird, huh?
Some days I smile…some days I cry…others, I find myself still processing the reality of it. But there has not been one day I have not thought about you, missed you or talked to you.
It was 365 days ago today I lost a piece of my heart, my aunt, one of my best friends. I have struggled these past few weeks, mindful this day was approaching. This is a text message I received to help get me through the day, I am really holding on to these words…
“O.K. Chin up She’s looking over you and it would make her smile to SEE you doing good and happy.”
…………….
Aunt Bobbie, I miss…
your smile
your infectious giggle
your shoulder to cry on.
I miss…
your Spice Drop Cookies (I might even miss your Waldorf Salad…k, maybe not)
your unconditional love
your words of wisdom.
I miss…
the encouragement and inspiration you gave me to write. I have lost that passion
our marathon phone calls and your ability to listen as much as I talked. (You would love the barely-holds-a-charge battery I have now!!!)
our “code words” that I could never remember. (Seriously, translating ‘How do your eyes feel?’ into ‘I need help!’ could happen to anyone!)
how you forgave so easily.
I miss…
spraying “Phuket” body spray on ourselves when we were having a bad day.
you, making me laugh
making you laugh
you telling me everything would be o.k…and making me believe it.
I miss…
hearing your voice
hugging you
I miss… you.
I’m going to do my best today to keep my chin up. You’re looking over me…I want to make you smile…SEE…I’m doing o.k…I’m good…I’m happy.
A few weeks ago I mentioned I had gotten a tattoo as a tribute to my oldest son who is a cancer survivor. (he has been in remission for 317 days…not that I’m counting) Now, I sailed through my last two…this one? Not so much. I had anticipated pain and I actually kind of like it. Did I anticipate the pain being comparable to that of having 1,000′s of small nails pounded into my veins causing the sensation my toes were seconds away from exploding? Not so much, I kind of didn’t like that. I was a trooper though and after a high-five and a fist bump with the tattoo artist paying for my new ink I hobbled to my car. It was pretty sore the next few days, and the next few days after that. I hadn’t anticipated the healing process to take so long, nor did I anticipate redness, swelling or the pain that accompanied it. Although my “foot tattoo leads to amputation” “death caused by foot tattoo” Google searches only directed me to encouraging news, I wasn’t convinced. I might have even snapped into O.C.D. mode. You can ask my family, you can ask my friends…heck, you can even ask the sales lady at Target that directed towards the cream you use for red, swollen, painful tattoos.
“Follow me” she says, “I just found it for someone else for the same thing.” Somebody else might need an amputation too? The tattoo industry sure is going to pot!
“Oh really?” I asked pointing to my foot, “Did theirs look like this?”
“No, I…I think it was a butterfly.”
Clearly that’s not what I meant. The fact that I had even turned to the Target lady was humiliating enough. Responding would only make it worse…if that’s possible. Suddenly, there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I remembered I had a doctors appointment in a few days, I could just have him look at my foot while I’m there. He would be able to assure me everything is fine, or he could tell me having my foot amputated was the least of my worries. Maybe that light at the end of the tunnel is really an oncoming train? The morning of my appointment, I was thrilled to see my foot was redder and much more swollen. At least I wouldn’t appear to be such an O.C.D. hypochondriac. Right? I finished up the appointment but for some reason was hesitant to bring my foot up, the red, swollen, irritated, tattooed foot. Was I in denial? Possibly, as inevitable as it was, nobody wants to hear, “yes, we will need to amputate your foot. Do you have someone to drive you home today?” I put my big girl panties on and explained my dilemma. The doctor took a quick glance as he walked back over to me,
“Looks like cellulitis ”
“Huh?” I quickly came to my foots defense, “Because it’s swollen…because it’s red and swollen? Both my feet are swollen, look at both of them…they’re fat…I have fat feet!!!” I wailed. Still standing on the examination table with a syringe in each hand, I warned them not to come any closer. My obsession of being reassured had just backfired on me. After a closer inspection, both the doctor and his nurse were in agreement that it looked o.k. The nurse explained she had a tattoo in the same place, and it did the same thing. (I wonder if it’s a butterfly and she bought her cream at Target? hmm…)
“It’s a very tender area…every time you walk…it takes much longer to heal.” Helllooo?? To be on the safe side, I was given some antibiotics. If all went well, I wouldn’t need my foot amputated. As I walked to my car on my fat feet, I had a skip in my step…I had really handled that pretty well! I took an antibiotic when I got home, and another before bed. I generously applied the topical antibiotic to my (irritated but not infected with cellulitis, newly inked, fat) foot, laid down and closed my eyes. (continue)
Remember the post I did a few weeks ago about my amazing friends amazing website dedicated to Hummingbirds…complete with a LIVE webcam? So amazing in fact, a few days after that post “Emma” who had just laid two eggs, was featured on ABC News and a story was done in the O.C. Register. “Emma” is quite the star now…she is also a new mommy! A raisin has pecked out of the Tic Tac sized shell…
