Sun 24 May 2009
My Dirty Dark Secret
Posted by Heidi under Ramblings & Such
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I somehow fell asleep last night before hitting “publish,” just noticed…
I’m home from my much needed getaway. Although I enjoyed myself immensely, it may take a few days to recoup. The week was great but busy. And for anyone that cares, this was just a practice run. Though nobody’s fault, a few unforeseen circumstances didn’t allow us the usual “girly, bonding” time. Note, I’m already marking my calendar for the next trip. I had been semi-planning this trip for the past few weeks, after last Wednesday, I knew it was time to go. I had my deposition in the morning, (for a car accident I was in last year) Not that I’ve done a gazillion, but this was the first time I was mic’d up with a big camera in my face. It was so all-about-me, I almost had a Kate Gosselin moment. It went smooth, the usual do you swear..yeah, yeah. I charge $20.00 for each autograph er signature and leave. I make my way back to my car to find, not 1 but 2 parking tickets secured neatly on my windshield. Would I have bought the $1.50 parking permit? I would if I had seen the sign. $39.50. Would I have had a front license plate on my car? I would if it wasn’t mangled from the accident and the body 
shop that fixed my car would have made a place for it on the front of my car. $44.50.
I get home and head out back to water my plants and reflect on my fame morning. It happened once…then again and 1 more time. Three different hummingbirds pooped on me 3 different times. Small bird, small poop, gross just the same.
I change my clothes just as the cable/internet dude shows up to upgrade my cable. (I did not have Animal Planet) (I really like Animal Planet) He does his thing, I thank him, he leaves. A few minutes later, I realize that although I have Animal Planet, my internet no longer works. Whoa. In a moment of complete insanity, I do what anyone else would do. I chase him down the street, barefoot, wailing my arms, screaming, “Stop, you broke my internet!” All the while my backside is jiggling like jello on a roller coaster. It payed off, he had me back on the WWW in no time. Poor guy, he did get a good laugh…at my expense. As I walk him out, I run into a neighbor. We chit-chat for a bit as we watch her dog play. As I head back into the house, a quick glance in the right direction reveals my pants are unzipped.
A few hours later my boyfriend and I decide to switch our cars around. Not knowing exactly where he is parked, I climb in my car and follow him….and follow him…and follow him. Now I’m just plain irritated. I yell out the window, “Where the hell are you going and why are you walking so slow?” With that, he turns around with the most puzzling look. I have no idea who this guy was, but it wasn’t my boyfriend. (it’s not like it was broad daylight or anything)
Right about now, I’m thinking I really do need this getaway. Like tomorrow. Focus Heidi, prioritize.
1. Pick-up necessities for trip
2. Do laundry
3. Pack
I run to the store for my necessities, Vodka, (for my traditional Vodka party on the beach at sunset.) (The party usually consists of me) Wine (for my new traditional Wine party on the beach at sunset) and Tequila. (for my…….) Now, by the time I get home, the laundry room is closed. I have 8 million loads of laundry staring me in the face. Focus Heidi, prioritize. I manage to narrow it down to 5 loads (7 million 7 hundred and 95 thousand less…I think) Seriously, what would be the harm in doing laundry after hours? Exactly! With the lights off…hee…hee…I sneak my 5 loads in, fill up the washers, look both ways and leave. Thirty-five minutes later I re-enter and transfer the clothes to the dryer. Using my cell phone as a flashlight, I ‘squat’ down in front of each dryer, making sure I had removed the hang to dry clothes. Oh, about the 3rd dryer I hear keys clanking, I turn around just as Security opens the door.
“Need help?”
“Nope, just doing some laundry.”
“I see that. The laundry room is closed, has been.”
“Yeah, I know…it’s only 5 loads…I have to leave town…I had an emergency…I had to go buy Vodka for…am I…are you going to arrest me?”
In the deepest, most sincere, security guy voice, he asks how much longer I’ll be.
“I’ll hurry”
He gives me a quick nod. As he walks out the door, he flips on the light.
“This might help!”
My kids would be so ashamed.
If it’s any comfort boys, my pants were zipped up!
The next morning, I packed up my car and made my 98 mile journey to Ventua Beach. A week later, I’m home. Perhaps a little more frazzled than before I left.
I spent a night (oink) deathly ill, all (oink) night long, I wondered if it was the Swine Flu. I got ANOTHER parking ticket, my camera broke and I lost about 100 lbs. We’ll save that for next time, I’m exhausted. Good night for now….
(pssst…you’re pants are unzipped)
Made you look
I spent a night (oink) deathly ill, all (oink) night long, I wondered if it was the Swine Flu. I got ANOTHER parking ticket, my camera broke and I lost about 100 lbs. We’ll save that for next time, I’m exhausted. Good night for now….
Made you look
